Monday, February 06, 2006

DIY Holocaust of the mind

Not that I wish to be melodramatic but I feel like I have been through Dantes hell in the last two weeks. I HATE decorating.. Rather I hate decorating with a flat FULL of my stuff. Its not a big place but damn awkward to get around in if all you stuff is in a pile in the center of the floor. Although some would say this is the normal state of my flat it was in fact so that i could PAINT MY GODDAMN WALLS OKAY?!

But the stress has not got to me honest - the light is at the end of the tunnel. My walls are indeed MUCH lighter now - nicotine and bloodstains gone, ex girlfriends toe marks painted over, build up of 'matter' removed from surfaces, demons cast out - THIS HOUSE IS CLEANSED.

First ammendment to the rules:

Thou shalt only partake of alcohol in the most celebratory of circumstances.

Okay okay so I had a drink recently - but only due to the obligation of attending a celebration. I held out till late in the night and then i simply realised that to be in this kind of situation one needs to have a couple of drinks. Why you ask? When you are pissed drunk people are your buddies and they make you laugh. When you are sobre they GET ON YOUR NERVES! Pubs and bars are such toxic environments - I have actually come to believe that you need to imbibe toxins almost as a vaccination to get you through the night. Needless to say though that I now know two things:

1) I prefer to stay sobre and NOT frequent situations that require drinking
2) That whilst I recognise a time and a place for drinking it does not mean that I need do it every weekend.

Thursday, January 12, 2006


I am STILL sorting out my flat. Carpets washed, new sofa, new desk chair, washed curtains...i see a 'blue' theme happening spontaneously. I am walking the fine line between stylish batchelor and wanky-yuppie bastard with delicate precision manouevers. Nice.

Today I began my strength training regime. My recipe book for beefcake hunkiness is 'The Encyclopedia of Modern Body Building' by Arnold Schwarzenegger. I hate his politics. I suspect he is, or has been, a sex-pest. I like some of his movies. I think Terminator 3 was a bag of limp shite. All these things are true but one thing I have to admit: THE MAN KNOWS MUSCLES.

I have no intention of looking like a body builder - (oh Lord please strike me down if I EVER resemble one of those guys flexing around in their tighty-whities). I'm not dissing them for what they pursue (if only because they might find me and break my head into tiny pieces) its just that the end result is just not me. But looking fit and strong IS the new me!


oooh I bloody hurt all over.....

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Shake, Rattle, and Hum

I began running again today having stopped for about 4 weeks. Needless to say that after ten minutes I felt like an old codger at a wet t-shirt competition: very sweaty, out of breath and afflicted by a slightly sore groin area. Actually that last bit isn't true but my analogy wouldn't be very good otherwise....honest!

I have quit the Booze and the Cigs and feel a rather strange feeling of 'THANK GOD ALMIGHTY' without the usual attendent need to bomb a country of brown people in His Holy Name.

I am well on my way to having my 'kingdom' sorted out. Making a 'Temple of Purity' comes next...more on this soon.

I am now on MANY MANY dietry supplemental and detoxifying concoctions including:

  • Vitamin C 1500 mgs

  • Milk Thistle 200mgs x 2 (for my poor liver)

  • Lechitin 1200mgs (for the elimination of cholesterol etc)

  • Multi-Vit & min tablets

  • St Johns Wort (because i have some and might as well finish 'em)

  • Psyllium Husks to aid Digestion and 'Expulsion'.

and HUM....
My diet has been ammended to include fresh leafy greens, carrots, tomatoes, olives, nuts, organic rice and other health-stuff. As i get an idea of how much I'm spending I shall gradually start replacing the standard stuff for organic produce. Needless to say all this fresh finery and bowel attention has left me with occasional death-dealing bouts of wind. It seems to be passing which is good news for all mankind.

I cannot say for sure that if I were to die tomorrow i would leave an exquisite corpse but i'll definitely leave a colon you can eat yer dinner off.*

*In my crystal ball I see a far future in which a gaseous ethereal race of blue people will discover my bowel and worship it as the mighty pudenda of some vast and unknowable God. Having done so they then carpet-bomb a country of Orange people and all in my name...... You see its not just Taxes you have to worry about!!)

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Smoking is for Quitters

OKay...One of the first and biggest steps for me to take to is to shake off the smoking behaviour.

Having quit on 31st December I have spent time listening to Alan Carr CDs and running every kind of NLP type technique I can think of. I took the approach of 'throw enough shit at it and some is sure to stick' and indeed all the techniques used helped loosen up the problem. The one thing that led me to a real 'aha' moment was the simple application of 'reframing' the problem by asking what the positive outcome of this behaviour is and then pushing it to its logical conclusion. Thanks to Andy and Frank Farrelly for the inspiration

My imaginary conversation with my own personal 'Higher Self' for a spot of therapy:

" So what seems to be the problem son?"
"Well Sir I want to give up smoking but I try so hard and never see it through..."
"Have you ever considered that just maybe some people aren't supposed to give up smoking?" "Er..well no not really..."
"Oh Come on, you smoke for a reason don't you? You don't stick those things in your mouth 'cus they remind you of your mamma's titties do you?Tell me this: When do you take pleasure from being a smoker?"
"Well When I'm in a social situation if i'm really honest....when i complain about my smoking problem there is a part of me that takes pleasure in stating exactly how much i smoke compared to others..."
"So if you get this pleasure as a result of smoking...then I have to ask... why give up? Seems perfectly reasonable to make lots of friends and prove how well-endowed your habit is......"
"But it's killing me!!! I can bloody feel it!"
"Ah! So you fear dying? Of course you do but surely that confirms what i said before....I mean you may go quicker than most but just think how many good good friends you've made with your superhuman smoking prowess - you sure aint gonna be alone in heaven. Now fuck off and come back to me when you have something REAL to complain about."

I am bored of of being good at smoking - I shall be good at something else instead.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Yoga of House Cleaning

Ok I'm gonna smack you up with some theory now but fear not Gentle Reader for fart-jokes will surely follow soon after. You ready?

The issue is this: Not only am i a lazy bastard...I am a completely disorganised lazy bastard. My flat has been in a constant flux between two states (Slightly shitty, and VERY shitty) for eons now. I can tell you that this isn't just located at home...oh no! Wherever I go, and if i'm there for more than a day, I begin to produce and exude clutter. Sai Baba and those holy Indian men who can produce Holy Ash from the air aint got nothing on me....I'd like to see Sai Baba produce enough books/records/BMXs/matter to cover the floor of a good-sized apartment in the south of England.

---------THE THEORY---------

I propose that this messyness is a direct reflection of my general state of mind in regards to my immediate surroundings. I propose that the outer world of my environment reflects, through my behaviour, the contents of my dashingly handsome head. Shit for brains right?

So I have taken steps to Clear The Temple for this year-long quest of mine. I have chucked out TEN BIN-BAGS worth of clutter and rubbish. I have got TEN BOXES (at least) of books, comics, clothes and other assorted bollocks to be sold on Ebay or given to charity. I have gone through everything I own and am organising everything into constituant and logical systems. I have organised things for EASE OF MAINTENANCE. I have had converstations with inanimate books fer christ sakes:

Faranheit 451 By Ray Bradbury: Sir! Oh NO! Don't cast me out! Did I not once pleasure you for days on end?? Did I not therafter sit on your bookshelf as a reminder to all visitors that you are indeed a supremely Intellectual, radical, and gosh-darned edgy young man??!

Me: Ah yes, fair bookling, indeed the memories please me still but I must no longer be swayed but such egocentric bollocks such as you speaketh of. I shall not likely read you again and anyway I must go because I promised the reader some fart-jokes 'ere this post ends...Tatty-bye!

Meanwhile back at the ranch....
Most importantly I have organised my room differently than before so as to loosen the psychic anchors to my old self. The room now feels 'freer', more 'light' and has space for Excercising, Magick and Meditational Experiments, entertaining guests and like....being able to move around and everyfink! cool!

I know nothing about 'Fung Sway' and all that jazz but if you pay attention to how a place makes you feel, and how making changes to that environment cause changes in your feelings, I believe you'll begin to percieve a whole new dimension in the everyday house-chores. Give it a try!

-------- THE FART JOKE--------
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".

Friday, December 30, 2005

The Quest Begins!!!

Welcome to my blog! The reason why I am here is that I have been meandering along the slow lane of my own life for longer than I care to mention and, although I have been blessed with the very best friends and family one could ask for, it remains a hard fact: I am a lazy bastard!.

Join me as i undertake a quest to singlehandedly confront every demon and bugbear that plagues my physical and mental well-being and do righteous battle with them!.
This quest shall take the form of a pilgrimage into the heady (and possibly dangerous) realms of SELF-IMPROVEMENT which should see me emerge as an official Enlightened Being[tm] or, at the very least, a much happier person.

I doubt very much that this quest will involve the fondling, burying, or tuning of crystals, I AM however, going to investigate the following:

  • A full detox

  • Colonic irrigation (You were hoping i'd say that weren't you?)

  • Eating and drinking properly.

  • Quitting BOOZE and CIGARETTES.

  • Physical exercise including running, strength training and martial arts

  • Using techniques derived from Neuro-Linguistic Programming and EFT to rewrite to detox my mental health.

  • Qabbalah, Magick and Meditation to detox my 'spiritual' world (Ok I might even have a crack at Chakras but at least it aint bloody crystals!)

  • Dating Girls

  • Keeping my flat tidy enough so that girls don't want to vomit blood when they come here.

  • Getting a girlfriend.

Lets begin by clarifying the ground rules.
Duration of quest: One year, beginning 31/12/05.

The seven habits of an highly effective Dave:

  1. Thou shalt drink good water, the juice of fruits, and healthy brews only.

  2. Thou shalt eat only good fresh foods without recourse to the frying pan. It is acceptable to eat that which is gifted to you ('cos I love my Mum).

  3. Thou shalt breath only good air into thine lungs

  4. Thou shalt only watch TV, movies or use the internet with discrimination and for honest knowledge, enjoyment and laughter and financial gain.

  5. Thou shalt use all available purgative weapons to render and smite the physical and mental realms PURE.

  6. Thou shalt be bloody pro-active in maintaining the integrity of thine kingdom.

  7. Thou shalt have a laugh-riot whilst doing all this!

  8. So it is written, SO IT SHALL BE!